Let It All Work Out. A Shameless Perspective.

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Narrated by Marcus A.

It’s the beginning of the year and I wanted to start with something I take seriously: Mental Health. It’s no secret that I’ve grappled with mental health. I used to write about it all the time on my social media and will continue to do so. It’s important to remember that mental health is just as important as physical health, and it’s okay to ask for help if you are struggling. People taking their own lives because they were in a dark place saddens me. I’ve never thought about taking my own life, but I have had times when I just didn’t know how I would manage something. When I was stuck in my head, I used substances to get away. I’ve stopped since then and I feel amazing because of it, but if I’m being honest during those times, that was the only outlet I felt I had.

I felt I had to get away from myself. I’ve done reckless things that I’m thankful to have caused no permanent or real danger to me. I’ve messed up relationships that I valued and stayed in some that might’ve triggered these emotions. I decided it was time for a change. First, I realized I had a problem. I mean, I knew I had a problem, but I felt I had the solution. When I felt like it, I could change, or so I thought. Every unease feeling had its antidote, I wrongly would assure myself. One strange aspect of substance abuse is that it can create a cycle of temporary relief, which may feel manageable if the substance is easily accessible.

The first thing I had to do was give it a name. I called how I was feeling: The Slums. I was in a sad place. Negative thoughts ran at a constant pace. Things were deteriorating right in front of me. I was physically and mentally drained. The strange part about all of this is you wouldn’t know by looking at me or my actions unless you were close to me. My next decision hurt me. I had to get away from the people that accepted me in my current state. Mind you, these people aren’t bad. I just felt I would never get better if I’m not challenged. I made things right for some and decided to just cut off others. The next step I knew I had to do was to indulge in my pain. No medicine, just me. I needed to give myself time to feel every feeling I had. The poor decisions I made had to be faced. I had to forgive myself for my recklessness so I can get over them. Being venerable a few days became a few weeks, then a few months. Now I can honestly say I’m doing better, making better decisions, and the happiest I have been in a very long time.

Mental health doesn’t discriminate. We all have our battles. Even the one that seems to have it all, like Dwayne Carter Jr., also known as Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne is a Louisiana-based rapper and songwriter who is the self-appointed best rapper alive. He’s my favorite rapper for sure. Wayne is known for destroying any beat he gets on; the majority of the time Wayne would out rap the original rapper. If he was to feature on a song, you knew it would be a classic. Once you heard his then signature lighter flick, you knew you were about to hear a banger. In the early 2000s, Wayne was in his prime. His mixtapes “Da Drought” and “Dedication” series ran the urban areas. His Carter albums are also masterpieces and were even hot in the suburban areas. Wayne would often rap about self-medicating to deal with his anxiety. He would light up before every song. On a song called “Let It All Work Out” from his Carter V album Wayne spoke of a time when he was 12, and he shot himself in the chest with his mother’s pistol.

Later Wayne would contact Emmanuel Acho to interview him about mental health to help people that were in a similar place that he was in. He went more into detail about the day he shot himself; explaining what went down that day. Wayne explained that when he started having mental issues as young as 10 years old. Even at ten, Dwayne had aspirations to be a rapper. He noticed something wasn’t right within himself, as he recalls times when he would cry himself to sleep and have thoughts of killing himself.

Wayne explained that at the age of 12, he sometimes would have half days in school, and instead of going home, he would stay out. He wouldn’t tell his mother this though. He made it seem like he was still in school. One day his mother found out and told her sister. Dwayne’s aunt then called and warned him about his mother taking off work to get him. He knew that she would beat him and take his rap folder from him. Once Dwayne got off the phone with his aunt, all his anxiety start building up. Dwayne thought, whatever, “I’m going to show you”. He called the police, then grabbed his mother’s pistol from her bedroom. Dwayne put the gun to his head, then moved it away; he was afraid. Dwayne wanted to get himself mad so he could just do it, but he couldn’t. He then said “fuck it” and shot himself in the chest, aiming for his heart.

Dwayne passed out, but was woken up by knocking at the door; it was the police. Waking up, all he could see was all white, assuming he was in the afterlife. He then heard more knocking and realized that it was just his house’s white ceiling and walls. Once Dwayne realized he was alive and heard knocking, he felt that maybe he was still alive for a reason. The knocking would stop, though; maybe the police would assume it was a false call. With so much blood leaking from his chest and the fact he had wood floors, he was able to slide toward the front door. Once he got there, he kicked the door with the little power had in him. The police heard it and knocked the door off the hinges.

He mentioned that all but one police officer ignored his lying body to search the house for weapons and drugs. A police officer he now calls Uncle Bob got to his body and refused to just step over him. He then reprimanded the other officers. Uncle Bob said “he didn’t give a fuck about the drugs” and “do y’all not see the baby on the ground with the hole in his chest?” They apologized and reassured Uncle bob that they called the ambulance. Uncle Bob decided that would take too long, so he picked Wayne up, reassuring him that he wasn’t going to die, then drove him to the nearest hospital and stayed with him until the doctors said he would be okay. He underwent several surgeries, but he eventually recovered.

Wayne has said that the incident had a profound impact on his life and shaped his worldview. He has used the experience as an analogy for overcoming adversity. Before this experience, Wayne didn’t feel like he had people to talk to. He kept everything to himself. This act appeared to have been a cry for help. This changed Dwayne and his family moving forward. Wayne said his mother had never been the same and was nothing but supportive since. Wayne would explain even as the hottest rapper he would go through anxieties and feeling about if he mattered or not. He would have to keep self-medicating and reassuring himself. There’s also a bit of controversy around Wayne saying “he doesn’t know racism”; he would often mention this moment when the only white officer, Uncle Bob, took him seriously and saved his life.

What I take from this is no matter how small or big you perceive yourself or how successful you become, we all deal with similar issues. Sometimes we try to run away from how we feel. We do this in many ways. We need to understand that we’re not alone and it’s okay to feel unease. We must understand that feelings are temporary. We have to slow down and take the time to address how we’re feeling and why we’re feeling it. We’ll often find a solution. Imagine if Dwayne Carter never became the Lil Wayne we know today. Now imagine all the people we will never know because no one was able to get to them. You matter!

Wayne would go on to win numerous awards throughout his career, including five Grammys. He has been nominated for a total of 35 Grammy Awards and has won awards in categories including Best Rap Song, Best Rap Album, and Best Rap Performance. Lil Wayne has also won numerous other awards, including BET Awards, MTV Video Music Awards, and American Music Awards. His most recent award was for his song “Lollipop” from his Carter 3 album; it went diamond.